


Falling Backward

by TheyDontBurnLikeUs_27



Category: The Darkest Minds Series - Alexandra Bracken
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Short & Sweet, Song: Pluto (Sleeping at Last), Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:01:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29974305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheyDontBurnLikeUs_27/pseuds/TheyDontBurnLikeUs_27
Summary: Months after escaping Leda Corp Nico still can't stop reliving his ordeal. He just wishes Clancy was there, wishes that someone was there, but every time he closes his eyes he's alone. (Pluto- Sleeping At Last songfic)
Relationships: Clancy Gray/Nico Ramirez
Kudos: 1





	Falling Backward

**Author's Note:**

> So the funny thing is this song actually makes me think of Cole but I had an idea for Nico and it fit this story so... I hope you like it, please review!

I woke up from the same dream   
Falling backwards, falling backwards   
‘Til it turned me inside out

Nico sat on his bunk with his head between his knees and if he focused hard enough he could almost feel the papery hospital gown against his skin, the electric shocks to his mind were a phantom pain he could not be rid of and his head pounded. He felt like all it would take was one wrong move and he’d slip back into his own mind and never surface again. 

Now I live a waking life  
Of looking backwards, looking backwards  
A model citizen of doubt

He jumped to his feet and lifted his shaking hand to the cold metal doorknob. He tried so hard not to think about the white linoleum tile that smelled of bleach and anesthetics. But the smells that weren’t really there burned his nose and he wondered not for the first time if the experiments had messed him up just as bad as Clancy. He was paranoid, he saw things that weren’t there and he was always looking over his shoulder. 

Until one day I had enough  
Of this exercise of trust  
I leaned in and let it hurt  
And let my body feel the dirt

As Nico rushed through the corridors toward the computer lab he ran a hand through his black hair. He wished Jude was here, what he wouldn’t give to have an early morning video game competition with the younger boy. He had always admired Jude’s ability to have such a positive outlook on life. He wished Clancy was still by his side but it didn’t do him any good because they were both gone now and he was alone despite the many promises both had made to the contrary. 

When I break pattern, I break ground  
I rebuild when I break down  
I wake up more awake than I've ever been before

As soon as Nico slipped through the familiar door he locked it behind him, grateful that Cole had felt it important to have at least a little security in here. Sliding down the wall until he was sitting on the ice-cold concrete Nico let his head roll back to rest on the frigid metal as a few tears rolled down his cheeks. The nightly excursion had become so normal he didn’t even dwell on it anymore, he knew how helpful routine was when you wanted to disappear. 

Still I'm pinned under the weight  
Of what I believed would keep me safe  
Show me where my armor ends  
Show me where my skin begins

Finding the strength to rise up onto his shaky legs Nico crossed the lab over to the corner where Cole had let him have a computer all to himself. He appreciated the gesture very much and he thought that Cole might have been a good friend to him but he would not make that mistake again, he couldn’t risk it, not this time. So instead he lost himself in the artificial glow of the screen as his fingers flew across the keyboard perfecting the art of losing himself again. 

Like a final puzzle piece  
It all makes perfect sense to me  
The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity  
The heaviness that I hold in my heart's been crushing me

A while later Nico’s heartbeat had regained its normal pace and his fingers had started to cramp up so he reluctantly leaned back to re-check his work. He frowned at the screen while his eyes refused to focus on the computer code that lit the dim room. One of his hands came up to run through his hair as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing. After a couple more minutes he gave up, his foggy brain was too sleep-deprived to focus, he’d only got about nine hours of sleep in the last three days and it was starting to show. Not ready to face his monsters yet Nico settled for opening his inbox and checking the messages Cole had sent him. He read over the blueprints of Thurmond with a heavy heart that seemed to consistently sink until he found his forehead resting against the plastic surface of the makeshift desk. 

I've been worried all my life  
A nervous wreck most of the time  
I've always been afraid of heights  
Of falling backwards, falling backwards

He barely even felt it as he slipped away into sleep. It was like the white linoleum hallway was waiting for him as soon as his heavy eyes closed and he was being dragged away through the lemon-scented hallways until he could barely see Clancy fighting against the restraints of the table while he was dragged further and further away from the small window. Backward until he couldn’t see the boy he loved struggling, backward until he was alone in the dark, again. 

I've been worried all my life  
I've been worried, I've been worried  
I've been worried all my life  
I've been worried, I've been worried  
I've been worried all my life  
Falling backwards, falling backwards  
Falling backwards, falling backwards  
Falling backwards, falling backwards

A hand fell on Nico’s shoulder as he jerked awake falling backward out of his chair and hitting his head on the concrete floor “ugh” he groaned as the light pierced through his skull upon opening his eyes. His breath caught in his throat as he slowly came back to reality. “Nico?” Cole asked leaning over him and waving a hand in front of his face with a small frown in place. Nico shoved himself backward quickly trying to get his gangly limbs underneath his body before he woke up enough to realize it was Cole and sit back down as the headache settled in quickly. “Sorry, I uh thought you were awake,” Cole muttered quietly reaching his hand out to pull Nico to his feet. 

One day I had enough  
Of this exercise of trust  
I leaned in and let it hurt  
Let my body feel the dirt  
When I break pattern, I break ground  
I rebuild when I break down  
I wake up more awake than I've ever been before

Nico kept his eyes determinedly on the ground “It’s fine” Nico said watching Cole shuffle his feet uncomfortably. He looked like he wanted to say something but he settled instead for a friendly pat on Nico’s shoulder “Come join us for breakfast in an hour, ya?” Cole asked. Nico raised his eyes slightly before lowering them again and shrugging. He saw Cole deflate a little bit “okay... I’ll, uh, see you around” Cole said awkwardly leaving Nico by himself in the computer lab. 

Still I'm pinned under the weight  
Of what I believed would keep me safe  
Show me where my armor ends  
Show me where my skin begins

He didn’t talk very often but he did watch people and Nico knew that he was only trying to help. But it wouldn’t help him, Cole just didn’t get it, he couldn’t help him, no one could. Nico was not willing to get close to someone again, he honestly didn’t think he could handle being left behind again. There was just too much behind him, too much pain, darkness, and abandonment and the only thing in front of him was Jude's road, something he could never really see no matter how hard he tried. Turning back toward his computer Nico signed and continued working on the Thurmond project, trying to ignore the way Clancy’s phantom screams echoed through his memories. 

Like a final puzzle piece  
It all makes perfect sense to me  
The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity  
The heaviness in my heart belongs to gravity


End file.
